Laughing matters

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Insomnia
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by Insomnia » Tue 15 Oct 2013, 11:37

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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Tue 15 Oct 2013, 15:02

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she dated someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said,
'I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.
But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor,
you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. '
She thought for a moment and said that
she would have to consult her boyfriend...
So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200,
pick up the money very fast,
he won't even be able to get his pants down.'
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by,
and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'


Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety
before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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Mopar 440
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Location: Roodepoort, Gauteng, South Africa.

Re: Laughing matters

Post by Mopar 440 » Wed 16 Oct 2013, 10:15

Image
(O O {]{]{]||[}[}[} O O)

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gordini
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Location: Where the whiner in the recliner is....
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Wed 16 Oct 2013, 13:22

Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school.
She had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks;" How did it go?"

"I died of shame!" She answers!
“Why?” Her Mother asked.

Annie said, “Kate from down the road, says that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.”

Her mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”

“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”

My public service is done for the day!!
Keep laughing...life is too short to take it too seriously
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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Leonvdb
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Location: Witbank

Re: Laughing matters

Post by Leonvdb » Thu 17 Oct 2013, 08:18

:lol:
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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Fri 18 Oct 2013, 20:56

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him
"Do you want the winner of the next race ?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, I've only got a small garden."

A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a
sweepstake to guess where they were going.
The driver won £52 !

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore.
So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's
weight and make him more aerodynamic.
It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says" I've just found a
sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin ?"
Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the
Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

Paddy says to Mick "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him.
"Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says
"Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

Paddy and Mick found three hand grenades
and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick says "What if one explodes before we get there ?"
Paddy replies "We'll lie and say we only found two !"

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me."
Paddy says "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

Paddy's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper".
He does but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper" his wife asks.
"Here Boy" he replies.

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in and
sees him hanging by his feet.
"What the hell are you doing" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "But I couldn't breathe".

An American tourist asks Paddy
"Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boat ?".
Paddy replies 'If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat".
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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gordini
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Re: Laughing matters

Post by gordini » Wed 20 Nov 2013, 11:27

The importance of an occupation after retirement

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:
"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine.
It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."


Harold is an inspiration to us all.
In my old age...
i drink a tripple,i see double and i act single..



From Malmesbury

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Mopar 440
Posts: 1606
Joined: Fri 20 Apr 2012, 14:55
Location: Roodepoort, Gauteng, South Africa.

Re: Laughing matters

Post by Mopar 440 » Thu 21 Nov 2013, 11:15

Blonde Story

A True Story.... if she had killed herself -- God forbid -- she'd be a shoe-in for the Darwin Award.

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!), new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.(wait for it......)

(REMEMBER, this is TRUE.......)

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place was the trailer.
(O O {]{]{]||[}[}[} O O)

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Insomnia
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Joined: Tue 07 Jul 2009, 12:29
Location: Bergbron ,Johannesburg

Re: Laughing matters

Post by Insomnia » Tue 11 Feb 2014, 08:48

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,"The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind, Two, you didn't read your homework, and Three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed!

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Insomnia
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Joined: Tue 07 Jul 2009, 12:29
Location: Bergbron ,Johannesburg

Re: Laughing matters

Post by Insomnia » Tue 11 Feb 2014, 11:35

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